The Big Bang Theory: The St Valentine's Day Disaster
by jfrankliniv
Summary: It's Valentine's Day. The girls have gotten the "perfect" gifts for the guys & the guys have gotten the "perfect" gifts for the gals. After all, why WOULDN'T the guys want a free day at the spa? Or the gals a free pass to Comic-Con? And what possible disasters might unfold if each had to go through with what the other got for them? It wouldn't be too bad...would it?
1. Chapter 1

_The Valentine's Day Disaster Prologue J. Franklin  
_

** THE ST. VALENTINE'S DAY DISASTER**

**PROLOGUE**

_(SCENE: The apartment hallway. PENNY, AMY, and BERNADETTE are walking up the stairwell and arrive on the floor of PENNY'S apartment carrying shopping bags. They are all excited.)_

AMY: I can't believe we all chipped in for the guys' Valentine's Day gifts! This is going to be so much fun! (Pauses) You know, besides finally having a boyfriend FOR Valentine's Day!

BERNADETTE: I can't believe we all agreed on what to get them!

PENNY: And I can't believe we got it all for less than $150 apiece! (Opens door) The Cheesecake Factory is known for a lot of things, but bonuses aren't one of them!

BERNADETTE: (Sets bags down and removes coat) I thought you were making extra money now that they were letting you tend bar?

PENNY: Yeah, well that kind of fizzled when I got drunk with Leonard's mom last time. (Shakes head) Who knew offering to show your underwear to customers for tips would be frowned on?

BERNADETTE: (Shocked) You did that?

PENNY: No, Leonard's mom did. (Pauses) I tell you, tequila and that woman do NOT mix!

BERNADETTE: This calls for some wine!

AMY: I agree!

(_PENNY and BERNADETTE look at her_.)

PENNY: (Reaches under counter) You're VOLUNTARILY drinking with us now?

AMY: Yes, but don't tell my mother. She still thinks you're both teetotalers like she is!

BERNADETTE: Where would she have gotten an idea like that?

AMY: I think I may have mentioned it on the phone to her the last time we were drunk.

PENNY: (Shrugs and begins pouring wine.) Suits me!

BERNADETTE: (Thinking) Hey, Penny, do you think the guys will really like what we got them?

PENNY: I think so!

AMY: Me too!

PENNY: I mean, let's face it. (Pauses) Who WOULDN'T enjoy a full spa day? (_Takes sip_) I mean, we got them EVERYTHING. Manicures, pedicures, massages, facials, mud baths – hell, it makes me wish WE'D gotten it instead of them!

AMY: (Interrupts) Oh, and don't forget! They get to be naked the entire time, too! (_Sips and looks at PENNY_) Makes ME wish we'd gotten it, too!

PENNY: (Uneasy) Um, okay. Let's go a little slow on that chardonnay, okay?

AMY: (Looks down at glass) Okay.

BERNADETTE: But do you think guys like going to the spa? Howard's never talked about it.

PENNY: (Thinks) Come to think of it, neither has Leonard. (_She and BERNADETTE look at AMY_)

AMY: Don't look at me. The whole idea of Sheldon getting in a mud bath was what sold me on this idea!

PENNY: (To BERNADETTE) But c'mon! Why are you worried! It's the PERFECT gift! I mean, who WOULDN'T want a day at the spa?

_(Cut to: The guys' apartment. LEONARD, RAJ, HOWARD, and SHELDON are all crowded around SHELDON'S laptop computer.)_

SHELDON: And…there we go! It's done!

LEONARD: Perfect!

RAJ: All right!

HOWARD: The perfect Valentine's Day gift! (Pauses) I mean, who WOULDN'T want their own selection of costumes and a full day pass to Comic-Con?

2


	2. Chapter 2

_The Valentine's Day Disaster Act I J. Franklin  
_

** THE ST. VALENTINE'S DAY DISASTER**

**ACT I**

_(SCENE: A fancy restaurant. RAJ, HOWARD, BERNADETTE, LEONARD, PENNY, SHELDON, and AMY are formally dressed and seated around a large table.)_

HOWARD: (Quietly to BERNADETTE) I'm just saying I don't know why we couldn't have celebrated Valentine's Day alone like we wanted to.

BERNADETTE: (Trying to remain calm) Well, we COULD have if somebody's friend hadn't insisted on splitting the cost of Valentine's Day gifts equally to make sure everybody spent the same amount!

HOWARD: He talked Leonard into it! What was I supposed to do?

BERNADETTE: We'll discuss it next year – and we'll do it in JANUARY, too!

HOWARD: Good call. He already locked down December for Christmas budgeting.

RAJ: (Sullen) I don't know why I have to be here. I'm the only one without a girlfriend.

HOWARD: You're here because we didn't want you drinking alone back at your apartment.

RAJ: (Nodding) Okay. I appreciate that. (_A waiter appears_)

WAITER: Another grasshopper, sir?

RAJ: (Handing him his glass) Oh, yes. Keep them coming.

PENNY: (Taps glass with spoon) Okay, everyone! A toast! (_Raises glass_) To a happy Valentine's Day with friends! (_Everyone clinks glasses_)

SHELDON: When do we get to open our presents?

LEONARD: Now, now, Sheldon. C'mon. Ladies first.

AMY: (Excited) Oh, boy!

LEONARD: Who's got the envelopes?

HOWARD: (Reaches into coat pocket) Right here! (_Passes one to BERNADETTE and the stack around the table_) We think you gals are really going to love this!

LEONARD: Yes. We all agreed on it when we picked it out.

SHELDON: Even I'm jealous of how good it is!

(_The gals open the envelopes eagerly. They remove the cards and begin reading. Slowly, each one's smile fades and they begin exchanging glances with one another.)_

AMY: Is this some kind of joke?

HOWARD: No, it's for real! We all chipped in and got you gals free passes to Comic-Con! And look! (Points to BERNADETTE'S card) Stuart's even agreed to give you guys complimentary costumes for the day! You get to dress up like any female super hero you want!

LEONARD: (Smiling) Pretty neat, huh? (_The gals continue looking at one another_)

AMY: (To PENNY) I thought the appropriate custom for the holiday dictated they would be getting us jewelry?

PENNY: (Sighs) No, that's only true in another alternate dimension. Not this one.

HOWARD: (To BERNADETTE) I think you should go as Wonder Woman.

BERNADETTE: (Rolls eyes) Howie, we've been over this. I'm not tying you up with any golden lassos. _(Pauses)_ Not after what happened last time.

HOWARD: But that was fun! So what if we couldn't get the knots undone?

BERNADETTE: No, it was fun for YOU. After we called the police, I got to spend the whole evening explaining that you were NOT a kidnap victim!

_(The gang falls into an uneasy silence.)_

SHELDON: (Can't wait) So! What'd you get us?

PENNY: (Blinks) Oh! Oh, yes! You guys! We got you something as well! (_Reaches into her purse.) _And we think you're REALLY going to like it!

BERNADETTE: That's right. It's something really special for all of you!

AMY: (Looking at PENNY) Even I'M jealous of how good it is!

(_PENNY passes the envelopes out. The guys tear into them and stop just like the girls.)_

HOWARD: A SPA DAY?!

LEONARD: With – what's this? – an "herbal wrap"?

PENNY: Yes! It's -

SHELDON: (Interrupting her) A MUD BATH?! (_Looks around the table_) Now, I know this is a joke. Who in their right mind takes a bath with the expressed purpose of becoming dirty and not clean?

AMY: (Defensive) Sheldon! Remember what we talked about when it comes to gift courtesies!

SHELDON: (Taken aback) Oh! Oh, I'm sorry – no, wait, I'm not! Who takes a bath like this?

PENNY: It's for your skin! It helps add nutrients and opens your pores!

SHELDON: What? I've lived on this planet for three decades, and my pores have always been fine!

LEONARD: (Trying to restore calm) Take it easy, Sheldon. This is obviously what they got for us, and we should – you know – be, well, happy about it!

HOWARD: Happy? What's to be happy about getting a massage? I'm either going to have some sweaty woman the same height and weight as my mother manhandling me or some guy with muscles named Vinnie twisting me into a pretzel…

BERNADETTE: Howie!

HOWARD: I'm just saying –

LEONARD: Hey! C'mon!

PENNY: (Trying to be convincing) Okay, but look! (_Takes LEONARD'S card and begins reading_) We got you guys everything! You get massages, pedicures, facials –

RAJ: (Leans over to whisper in HOWARD'S ear.)

HOWARD: No, relax! It's not that kind of facial.

PENNY: (Continuing) And best of all, look! You each get entered into a raffle as well. First prize is a pearl necklace for your girlfriend!

RAJ: (Leans over – HOWARD stops him.)

HOWARD: No, it's not that, either.

_(Uneasy silence settles over the table.)_

RAJ: (Bright with expectation) I'm actually looking forward to it!

BERNADETTE: (To HOWARD) See? Raj is excited!

HOWARD: That's the grasshopper talking.

BERNADETTE: Oh, Howie. Come on!

_(The waiter arrives.)_

WAITER: Your next grasshopper, sir.

RAJ: Thank you!

SHELDON: (Raises hand from other end of the table) I'd like to take up drinking as of now!

LEONARD: What? Sheldon!

SHELDON: I'm sorry. If people are trying to trick me into some kind of hippy-dippy earth ritual, I insist on at least having the benefit of doing so with impaired judgment.

PENNY: Hey! You know, none of us are jumping for joy over here with comic books, you know!

LEONARD: (Defensive) What's that supposed to mean?

PENNY: (Erupting) When since you've known me have I ever ONCE shown any interest in anything comic-book related? That would be like Mr. Spock showing emotion or something – OH, MY GOD YOU'VE EVEN GOT ME QUOTING STUFF LIKE THIS NOW!

AMY: Well, wait a moment! (All eyes turn to her) Maybe this could be a good experiment for all of us. (_Pauses_) If the men are willing to give the spa a go, maybe we can agree to see what life is like at one of these comic book convention gatherings.

PENNY: (Under her breath to AMY) It's going to be nerd central. And not just nerd-nerd central, we're talking never-been-laid-before-and-not-likely-to-be-any-ti me-soon nerd central.

SHELDON: (Loudly) I think Amy's suggestion is a fair one. (Pauses) Or it would be if they dipped people in filth at Comic-Con.

BERNADETTE: Well, I think Amy's suggestion is a good one. (Pauses) We all agree to try to have an open mind. Agreed?

(_The table falls silent as everyone looks around at one another. Slowly, everyone nods.) _

BERNADETTE: Good. (Turns to HOWARD) Now, Mr. Spock. Was he Star Wars or Star Trek?

HOWARD: (Face palms) Oh, my God….

_(Dissolve to: HOWARD and BERNADETTE returning home. BERNADETTE is behind the wheel.)_

HOWARD: (Still unhappy) I don't know why none of you gals liked your gift! We put a lot of thought and money into that!

BERNADETTE: I don't know. Maybe because for Valentine's Day we all thought you would get US something WE liked?

HOWARD: But who doesn't like Comic-Con?

BERNADETTE: Most people without a Y-chromosome?

HOWARD: But you get to dress up like anyone you want! You get to spend time together with your girlfriends! See movies and hear trivia! Maybe even meet some of the original cast members from Next Generation. They're all still around! How can that not be exciting?

BERNADETTE: Well, maybe next year we should just do something ourselves. You know, and not invite anybody else.

HOWARD: Sheldon won't like that -

BERNADETTE: SHELDON IS NOT PART OF THIS RELATIONSHIP!

HOWARD: Well, okay. But hey, I agreed to do the spa thing!

BERNADETTE: (Pauses) Okay. That's true. You did.

HOWARD: And you know that's not something most guys really think about.

BERNADETTE: Why not?

HOWARD: I don't know. Maybe because it's weird having people you don't know touching you. Maybe it's all the foo-foo stuff that goes on. (Pauses) Maybe it's the fact that you have to see other grown men naked…

BERNADETTE: So, you're saying you don't like it?

HOWARD: How would I know? I've never been to a…spa…before!

BERNADETTE: Well, then maybe you should withhold judgment until after you've gone!

HOWARD: Then, shouldn't you do the same for Comic-Con?

BERNADETTE: (Pauses) No, that's not how this works.

HOWARD: Oh.

_(Dissolve to: AMY and SHELDON driving home. AMY is behind the wheel.)_

SHELDON: A mud bath? Seriously? Who comes up with these cockamamie ideas, anyway?

AMY: (Frowning) Well, as near as I can figure, it's part of the female bonding ritual. Much like when men go out hunting or to football games.

SHELDON: But I don't do either of those things!

AMY: That's true. I guess that's why we all thought you'd like a spa day.

SHELDON: But all those women there. All the clucking and girl talk. The puffy, lace thingies all over the place. It's just going to be an exponential overload of estrogen!

AMY: (Thinks) Well, I've agreed to do the comic-book thing. Perhaps we should just treat both of these as experiments to be endured.

SHELDON: (Ponders) That could be true. What happens when gender-based rituals are reversed?

AMY: And we could map the neuron impulses before and after the experiences to see if any brainwave patterns become altered by the event!

SHELDON: (Excited) Amy, I knew you'd find a way to make this bearable.

AMY: (Smiling) I'm glad. (Pauses) Now, do you think you can talk Leonard and Howard into letting me implant sensors into their cortexes as well? (_SHELDON frowns_)

_(Dissolve to: LEONARD and PENNY in the car driving home. PENNY is behind the wheel. Neither is talking. PENNY finally breaks the silence.)_

PENNY: Okay, I'm sorry for the way I overreacted.

LEONARD: Overreacted? The waiter was afraid to bring us our desserts after you erupted!

PENNY: Well, a girl doesn't expect something comic-book related from her boyfriend on Valentine's Day!

LEONARD: What did you expect?

PENNY: I don't know! Maybe something more personal, more romantic. A necklace or a bracelet.

LEONARD: (Cutting her off) If I'd gotten you jewelry, you would have thought we were moving too fast again.

PENNY: So, you thought COMIC BOOKS would be better?

LEONARD: No, I – I – I don't know, Penny. How am I supposed to know what a girl wants from her boyfriend?

PENNY: Well, you could always try ASKING HER!

LEONARD: (Thinks) Okay, what would you like me to get you next year for Valentine's Day?

PENNY: (Forgetting argument) Who me? Oh, I have no idea…

_(Cut to: commercial)_

7


	3. Chapter 3

_The Valentine's Day Disaster Act II J. Franklin  
_

** THE ST. VALENTINE'S DAY DISASTER**

**ACT II**

_(SCENE: Comic-Con. BERNADETTE, PENNY, and AMY are walking past several booths of collectors' memorabilia. Several attendees walk through, some in costume, some not. PENNY is dressed as Wonder Woman, AMY is dressed in the same blue Star Trek Original Series uniform from "The Launch Acceleration," and BERNADETTE is dressed as SLAVE LEIA.)_

PENNY: (Deadpans as more costumed attendees walk by) Tell me again why we agreed to this.

AMY: Because the guys agreed to go to the spa if we agreed to go to Comic-Con.

PENNY: Yeah, but somehow I don't remember costuming being a requirement for the deal.

BERNADETTE: Well, at least YOU didn't have to get YOUR costume in the kids' section!

PENNY: (Pauses) Yeah, it still bothers me that they make those Slave Leia costumes in children's sizes. (_Watches another group of costumed attendees walk by_) I mean, what is the purpose of all of this, anyway? What are we supposed to DO here?

AMY: As near as I can figure, the point of attending a comic-book convention is to assume the identity of one of your favorite characters, shop for over-priced memorabilia, and then spend several hours arguing over pointless minutiae from various science fiction movies and TV shows.

PENNY: And this is supposed to be fun?

_(A wolf-whistle sounds off camera. BERNADETTE smiles and primps briefly with her hands on her hips.)_

BERNADETTE: It is if you're rockin' your costume like I am!

AMY: (Annoyed) Hey, I would have been Slave Leia, too, if they had had any more costumes in my size!

BERNADETTE: (Flaring) Yeah? Well they didn't, did they?

PENNY: (Sighs) Oh, God. Not again – look, let's all just calm down, alright? No one is going to be judging any of us as being hotter than one another. We're all equally attractive, okay?

AMY: How can you be sure?

PENNY: (Watches as several more costumed nerds walk by) Well, for starters, there aren't that many women here to begin with, so I'm guessing we all have a pretty equal advantage just on that fact alone.

AMY: (Watches same costumed nerds walk by) I guess that's true. They say the good thing if you're a girl here that the odds are pretty good but the bad thing is that the goods are pretty odd. (_More nerds walk by. One looks at the girls and takes a deep drag on his inhaler._) I'm starting to agree.

PENNY: Okay, so we're not going to have any more fights about whose costume is better, okay?

BERNADETTE: (Reluctantly) Okay!

AMY: (Equally reluctant) Okay!

PENNY: Good. Now, let's just see what's over here and – what?!

_(The girls stop by a prominent display. The banner reads, "Hottest Costume Contest!")_

BERNADETTE: Hey! Check it out!

AMY: What?!

PENNY: (Quietly) Oh, no.

AMY: I can't believe this kind of chauvinistic stuff still exists! They're going to be judging women by their appearances and how "hot" their costumes are?! What year is this, anyway?

BERNADETTE: Well, judging by your costume, it's 1967!

AMY: (Coldly) Zip it, 80s queen.

PENNY: Okay, now let's hold on a moment – we don't need to be arguing here –

BERNADETTE: That's right. Because I'M GOING TO WIN THIS CONTEST! (Dashes off)

AMY: Oh, no you're not, sister! (Runs after her)

PENNY: (Sighs disappointedly) Leonard Hofstadter, I really do hate you. (_Hurries after them_)

(_Dissolve to: The main area of a luxury spa. Several women walk by in white attire, others with thick bathrobes and their hair toweled. A door opens and we see SHELDON, HOWARD, LEONARD, and RAJ slowly walking out. All look miserable except RAJ. They are all wearing short robes, fuzzy slippers, and their heads are likewise wrapped in towels. RAJ is drinking a mimosa from a champagne glass.)_

SHELDON: I think it goes without saying that I am NOT enjoying this.

HOWARD: (Sighs and shakes his head) Tell me again why we agreed to this.

LEONARD: Look, we only have to make it a couple more hours and we can get out of here. Let's just grin and bear it for the girls, okay?

RAJ: Speak for yourself, dude. I'm loving this! (Takes sip) And free mimosas, too!

LEONARD: Yeah, well, you might want to take it easy on those. That's your third one!

RAJ: But who's counting if they're free?

SHELDON: I'm with Leonard on this. So far, none of this has been anything I would remotely consider enjoyable. Not the manicure, not the pedicure –

RAJ: What about the massage?

SHELDON: That was mildly discomforting.

HOWARD: Speak for yourself. Being massaged by a hot 25-year old in a belly shirt after you're married doesn't qualify as relaxing. It's more like an 8th Amendment violation.

LEONARD: You didn't enjoy it?

HOWARD: The massage was fine! But just to use cub scout terminology here, it was all I could do NOT to pitch a tent, if you know what I mean!

RAJ: How did you do that?

HOWARD: I just thought of my mother whenever she came back from her pool workouts. (Pauses) The mental imagery of her squeezed like a sausage into a tight swimsuit with her arm fat flailing around in the pool does wonders for your staying power, believe me.

(_Another door opens and an attractive blond fitness instructor in short-shorts and a half-shirt walks out holding a clipboard.) _

INSTRUCTOR: Hi, I'm Vanessa! You must be the guys whose girlfriends got them the day pass, am I right?

(_The guys all nod nervously except for HOWARD, who quickly crossed both of his hands across his crotch and takes a half-step back while shaking his head vigorously.)_

VANESSA: No? Hold on. (Checks clipboard) Yeah, I have it right here. You're…Sheldon…and…Leonard…and Howard…and that means…you must be Rajesh?

RAJ: (Looks down at mimosa and nods his head)

VANESSA: Okay, well, I see here you've all already had your deep tissue massages, your pedicures and manicures, your facials, so I guess all that's left are your mud baths!

SHELDON: Oh, no. That won't be necessary –

VANESSA: (Not following him) Oh, it's not to worry. It's all part of your package! If you'll just follow me – (Turns around)

SHELDON: No, you don't understand. I don't do mud baths –

_(VANESSA drops her clip board. She turns back to the guys.)_

VANESSA: Oh! Silly me! Butterfingers! (_Bends over to pick up clipboard. LEONARD, HOWARD, and RAJ all stare at her posterior. HOWARD takes another half-step back and covers his groin with his hands once again._) Okay, so that was four for mud baths, yes?

LEONARD: (Simultaneously with RAJ and HOWARD) Yes! Absolutely!

HOWARD: (Simultaneously with LEONARD and RAJ) That's right! That's us!

RAJ: (Simultaneously with LEONARD and HOWARD): (Nods energetically)

_(Dissolve to: Comic-Con. PENNY and AMY are standing next to one another. Both have disgruntled looks on their faces.)_

AMY: Call me cynical, but I seem to detect a certain pattern with the finalists for this contest.

PENNY: (Deadpanning) Yeah. Me too.

_(The camera cuts to the finalists. BERNADETTE is standing on stage with several other women. All are giggling nervously and are dressed in virtually identical SLAVE LEIA costumes.)_

AMY: Is it just me, or are half of those outfits not even authentic replicas of the actual costume Carrie Fisher wore in _Return of the Jedi_?

PENNY: I'm not so sure authenticity is the deciding factor here, Amy.

AMY: What do you mean?

PENNY: Oh, I don't know. Maybe a bunch of nerd judges who have never dated an actual girl before are trying to fulfill their fantasies through some kind of sleazy contest like this one?

AMY: I know. (Pauses) And it bothers me that we're not a part of it, either.

PENNY: (Gives in) I know! Me too!

_(The camera cuts to the main stage. A judge dressed like LANDO CALRISSIAN is holding a slip of paper.)_

JUDGE: Ladies and gentlemen! We have a winner from our many contestants! And let me be the first to congratulate all of you for making this year's costume winner decision the hardest we have ever faced!

_(Cut to: PENNY and AMY) _

PENNY: (Under her breath) Yeah, I'll be that wasn't the only thing that was hard!

_(Cut to: JUDGE and CONTESTANTS)_

JUDGE: And the winner of this year's Hottest Costume Contest is – (Opens envelope) – Miss…Bambi Chambers!

_(The crowd bursts into applause and cheers. A scantily-dressed woman with enormous implants barely concealed by her SLAVE LEIA costume walks up smiling to accept the trophy. Several camera flashes go off.) _

PENNY: I don't believe this.

AMY: I know. Me neither. (Pauses) Her costume is even less authentic than Bernadette's!

PENNY: (Rolling eyes) Oh, come on, Amy! You mean to tell me you don't see why she won that award?

AMY: Well, no! (Looks down at program brochure) It says right here that costumes are to be judged according to authenticity, originality, and realism! And she obviously took more liberties with her outfit than anyone else!

PENNY: Yeah. That's it. You're right. I'm sure that's why she won. (Looks around) Where's the bar in this place again?

AMY: We already talked about that. It's only (Looks at her watch) 1:30 in the afternoon. Don't you think it's a little early to be starting?

PENNY: Not if we're going to have to listen to Bernadette whine about why she lost for the next four hours.

AMY: (Thinks for a moment) You're right. Let's go get plowed while we still can.

_(Dissolve to: The mud bath section of the spa. The camera opens on SHELDON. Mud covers him up to his shoulders. He is clearly miserable; his face frozen in an expression of complete disgust. Slowly, the camera pans past him to HOWARD, who is equally nonplussed. Next, we see LEONARD, his face similarly displeased but concealed somewhat by his steamed glasses. Lastly, we come to RAJ, who is smiling contentedly with his eyes closed.) _

SHELDON: Tell me again why people pay for this privilege instead of being paid FOR it?

HOWARD: Just relax. The clock on the wall says we only have another 45 minutes, and then it will be all over.

SHELDON: What will be over? Our chances of ever becoming remotely clean again?

LEONARD: They're going to hose us down when we step out, Sheldon. Just relax. We'll be cleaned up and out of here before you know it.

SHELDON: So you say. And why do they have to make the mud so hot, anyway?

LEONARD: To kill any bacteria.

SHELDON: Excuse me? If people were properly concerned about bacteria, they wouldn't be paying for the privilege of sitting in a pile of mud!

RAJ: I don't know. I kind of like it! (Shifts in his bathing area.) It's nice and warm!

HOWARD: (To LEONARD) When this is over, we're really going to have to have a talk with him about his drinking.

LEONARD: You talk to him. It took four drinks just to get him to agree to come with us.

SHELDON: I still don't see why this is supposed to be helpful or hygienic.

HOWARD: (Losing it) Oh, will you just give it a rest for once? We're here, we've agreed to do this, so we're just going to have to sit through it and deal with it as best we can! (Pauses) And besides, after the massage experience on top of this, we can at least rest assured that things can't possibly get any worse!

_(Several seconds pass. Then a voice booms from across the room.)_

VOICE: Is that my little bubby over there with all his little friends? (_All the guys stare wide-eyed.)_

LEONARD: (Simultaneously) Mrs. Wolowitz?

RAJ: (Simultaneously) Mrs. Wolowitz?

SHELDON: (Simultaneously) Mrs. Wolowitz? (Looks to HOWARD and LEONARD) I thought you said this place was all male?

HOWARD: Mom?! What are you doing here?

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Bernadette told me you boys were coming! I wanted to make sure you were all okay during your first time here at the spa!

LEONARD: (Uneasy) Uh, we're fine, Mrs. Wolowitz!

RAJ: Yes, TOTALLY fine!

SHELDON: Are we in the wrong section? I was under the impression that this was the men's area.

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Oh, don't worry about that. This place went gender neutral last year!

HOWARD: (Eyes wide) Last…year?

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Yeah! My dactah said I should start coming here, so I took it up last fall. It's supposed to be good for my varicose veins! (Pauses) Did you boys like the marble brownies I left you over there?

HOWARD: What…marble brownies?

MRS. WOLOWITZ: They're right there in the Tupperware behind you! _(HOWARD turns around and finds a blue Tupperware container.)_

SHELDON: Good luck eating that with your hands all covered with goo.

HOWARD: Um, thanks, Ma! We'll have these when we leave!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Are you sure? I put some handi-wipes over there as well! (HOWARD reaches around behind him and finds the plastic jar of handi-wipes. The guys all begin wiping the mud from their hands.)

HOWARD: Oh, this is great! Thanks, Ma! (Hands wipes to LEONARD and SHELDON and pulls open Tupperware.)

SHELDON: You eat them. I'm not touching anything until I have a chance to disinfect. (LEONARD passes some brownies to RAJ.)

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Well, you boys have a good time! I have to get going! (We hear sloshing of mud off camera as she stands up. RAJ, LEONARD, HOWARD, and SHELDON all stare in shock with their mouths still open, brownies frozen in place. Slowly, everyone hands the brownies back to HOWARD's Tupperware container.)

LEONARD: I'm done.

RAJ: Me, too.

HOWARD: (Pauses) I may never be able to pitch another tent as long as I live…

_(Dissolve to: The inside of BERNADETTE's car. BERNADETTE is driving. PENNY is riding shotgun and AMY is in the backseat. BERNADETTE is frowning.)_

BERNADETTE: That contest was rigged.

PENNY: (Sighing) Yes, we know.

BERNADETTE: That woman's costume didn't even LOOK like the real Slave Leia!

PENNY: (Rolling eyes) Yes, we know.

BERNADETTE: I mean, for a group of people who spend hours and hours arguing over the smallest details of science fiction stories, you'd think they'd at least be consistent in their judging!

AMY: (Pauses and giggles) I'm still drunk!

PENNY: (Sighs again) Yes, we know.

BERNADETTE: It just makes me mad!

AMY: Well, I think it just goes to show how far we women still have to go to be considered equals, even among the supposed intellectuals of society. No matter how much we think we've advanced, there will just always be those things where we're still not looked upon as equal!

PENNY: (Angry) I know. It's so sad.

BERNADETTE: It's more than sad! It's just not fair!

_(A siren sounds. We see flashing lights in the rear windshield.)_

AMY: OMIGOD! Are we getting pulled over?!

PENNY: I think so.

BERNADETTE: Oh, damn.

AMY: WERE YOU SPEEDING?! WERE YOU GOING TOO FAST?!

PENNY: Calm down, Amy. (Looks at BERNADETTE) You weren't speeding, were you?

BERNADETTE: No. My tags are expired. Howie was supposed to get them renewed last week.

PENNY: Okay, let's all pull together, alright? Everybody prep! Hair! (_All the girls immediately fling their hair and toss it about their shoulders._) Costumes! (_All pull the tops of their costumes lower to maximize cleavage.) _Boobs out! (_All take deep breaths_) Okay, here we go. (_Pauses_) Oh, one more thing. (_Pinches BERNADETTE_)

BERNADETTE: Ow!

PENNY: For tears!

BERNADETTE: Oh, that's right. I forgot! (Begins blinking)

_(Cut to: The OFFICER'S viewing angle. The camera faces BERNADETTE as she rolls down her window. She is teary-eyed and clearly "distraught.")_

BERNADETTE: (Meekly) Is there a problem, officer?

(_Dissolve to: A few minutes later. BERNADETTE is driving. PENNY is riding shotgun and AMY is in the backseat. All look relieved.)_

PENNY: Well, they may not think we're equal, but there are still a few things a crying woman can do that a man never will!

BERNADETTE: That's true!

AMY: I'm just amazed. So, a woman's biological assets enable her to occasionally disregard basic traffic laws?

PENNY: No, it' more like they enable her to use the Force on lonely police officers. (Pauses) God, I can't believe I can reference some of this stuff now. (Nudges BERNADETTE) See? Your costume got you one victory today!

BERNADETTE: (Smiling) That's true. In a way, I almost feel empowered!

PENNY: (Closes eyes and settles back in seat) Well, now that that's all behind us, we can just relax and enjoy a pleasant evening.

AMY: (Long pause) I feel sick. (_Throws up_)

BERNADETTE: WHAT?!

PENNY: (Quietly) Damn…

_(Dissolve to: The inside of LEONARD'S car. SHELDON is riding shotgun. HOWARD is in the back seat directly behind LEONARD. RAJ is behind SHELDON and passed out, his head resting on his LEFT shoulder. LEONARD, SHELDON, and HOWARD all have looks of shock still on their faces.)_

SHELDON: That was traumatic beyond words.

LEONARD: I'm not sure I'll ever be comfortable being naked around women again. (Looks at HOWARD in rear view.)

HOWARD: Don't look at me. I lost any Oedipal impulses I might have had years ago.

LEONARD: (Nods toward RAJ while looking at HOWARD) How's he doing back there?

HOWARD: I'm not sure. Let me check. (Tilts RAJ'S head to the other side. We see magic marker writings on his LEFT cheek.) Looks okay to me.

LEONARD: Yeah, I'm still wondering if we really should have done that.

HOWARD: Don't worry about that. Worry about what his reaction's going to be when he finds out we changed his Facebook profile to the picture we took of him.

SHELDON: (Pauses) I think the magic marker should have been sufficient. Leaving his head wrapped in the towel was just unnecessarily cruel. (_Sticks pinkie finger in his ear and shakes vigorously_ _before looking at it.) _I'm still finding mud on my body!

LEONARD: Sheldon, we've already been over this. We promise never to hold your head under the mud like that again.

HOWARD: (Quietly to LEONARD) Speak for yourself. I wanted to hold him down a little longer.

LEONARD: I don't know what you mean by "again." There isn't ever going to be an "again" for this. One mud bath was enough, thank you!

HOWARD: (Leans toward LEONARD and says quietly in his ear) Should we tell him about the one-year membership we got him now or wait until his birthday?

LEONARD: (Tilts head toward HOWARD while driving.) Let's wait until his birthday. It'll be more fun to watch his expression then.

HOWARD: Good idea. Then we can tell him how we all split the cost equally three ways so he wouldn't be indebted to any of us disproportionately.

LEONARD: I think you mean "hate us equally."

HOWARD: Well, sure. If you really want to look at it optimistically like that…

SHELDON: I, for one, am just glad that this day is finally over and that there will be no more surprises.

RAJ: (Waking up) Dude, I feel sick. (Leans over and vomits on HOWARD'S lap)

HOWARD: (Deadpanning) Well, maybe one more surprise…

_(Cut to: Commercial)_

11


	4. Chapter 4

_The Valentine's Day Disaster Epilogue J. Franklin  
_

** THE ST. VALENTINE'S DAY DISASTER**

**EPILOGUE**

_(SCENE: PENNY'S car. PENNY is driving and still wearing her Wonder Woman costume. LEONARD is in the front passenger seat and looks exhausted. PENNY is clearly livid.)_

PENNY: - and THEN I had to listen to them both spend the ENTIRE afternoon snipping at one another like two little grade-school girls! I'm telling you, Leonard, it was the WORST Valentine's Day EVER!

LEONARD: (Pauses) Look on the bright side –

PENNY: What bright side?

LEONARD: (Shrugs) You didn't have to spend your entire day with Sheldon at the spa.

PENNY: (Thinks) Okay, yeah, you're right. (Pauses) But it was STILL bad!

LEONARD: I don't understand! I thought gals always got along. You know, girl-power, the sisterhood, and all that stuff?

PENNY: (Glares at him) How many women HAVE you dated?

LEONARD: (Looks at her)

PENNY: Okay, never mind. Forget I asked.

LEONARD: (Trying to be sympathetic) Well, it's not like I had a great time, either. I mean, Sheldon you already know about. Raj got drunk and threw up in the car, Howard was his usual obnoxious self, we saw his mother naked –

PENNY: (Eyes widening) You WHAT?!

LEONARD: She was at the spa, too. She was taking a mud bath. (Pauses) I don't think I'll ever be able to look at a chocolate fountain again…

PENNY: (Still in shock) And what, she just stood up in front of you guys?

LEONARD: Pretty much. I guess when you reach a certain age, you stop caring about things like modesty.

PENNY: How did Howard take it?

LEONARD: Better than you might think. I was surprised he wasn't drunker than Raj after that.

PENNY: (Thinks) Yeah, you guys really need to talk to him about that.

LEONARD: Don't worry. As soon as he sees his Facebook page, we think he'll get the message. (Pauses) Look, I'm sorry about everything. We all really thought you gals would like Comic-con –

PENNY: And what on earth made you think that?

LEONARD: Probably the same thing that made you think we'd like a spa day.

PENNY: (Ponders) No, I still think you guys made the bigger mistake.

LEONARD: Why?

PENNY: Because I'm the woman in this relationship. Ties always go to the girl.

LEONARD: (Confused) Don't I get some say in this?

PENNY: (Glares at him)

LEONARD: Okay. Sorry I asked.

PENNY: So, I say next year, we just do our own thing at Valentine's Day. (LEONARD brightens) Why are you smiling so much?

LEONARD: You just said we should do our own thing next year.

PENNY: Yeah, so?

LEONARD: You've never talked about our future before.

PENNY: (Eyes widen) Oh.

LEONARD: (Smiles) So, you think we'll still be together in a year?

PENNY: (Sighs) Only if you promise I never have to go to one of those conventions EVER again.

LEONARD: Okay. I'll just go with the guys next time.

PENNY: Good.

LEONARD: (Absent-mindedly) So who did win the hottest costume contest?

PENNY: Some gal with implants.

LEONARD: It wasn't Bambi Chambers, was it?

PENNY: I think that was – hey, wait a second, HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?

LEONARD: She wins every year.

PENNY: (Thinks) Okay. Change in plans!

LEONARD: What?

PENNY: Yeah. No more Comic-Con for you!

_(End)_

3


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